For those uninitiated in the ways of Hope, content writing is one of the many professional hats I wear. That's a fancy way of saying I contribute to some of the "How to" articles/featured snippets you stumble upon in the middle of the night when all your best questions demand answers.

My first legit gig was for this super lovely guy. His is a love and relationship blog, so obviously, I was overqualified.

We started at the shallow end; he'd ask me to write about long-distance relationships and how to figure out your partner's love language. Then a couple of months into my contract, we dove into the deep end: I was tasked with writing various articles about polyamory.

Now, while I had heard about polyamory, I hadn't dug into that sandpit. I thought my ideas on monogamy were the unshakeable gospel, so I felt way out of my depth when he pitched the idea. Still, inspired by my love of learning and having my mind changed, I told him I'd figure it out. And boy, was there a lot to figure out.

One of my favorite things to do lately has been cheekily baiting some of my friends and acquaintances into conversations about polyamory, and it's become evident that they’re not polytical.

I'll never claim that any relationship type, including monogamy, suits everyone. But I'll be the first to preach the benefits of at least learning about the different ways people do things.

So, to demystify polyamory, I thought I could retrieve my Poly 101 article from the shelf. I’ve updated it to reflect my current thoughts. Hopefully, it sparks your curiosity about this wild world of non-monogamy.

Definition

Polyamory means simultaneously having multiple intentional, intimate, and loving romantic relationships. It falls under the ethical non-monogamy umbrella. However, its guidelines don’t allow for fleeting sexual partners. Further, there is no secrecy around partners’ other partners.

Debunking

A helpful way to understand polyamory is to debunk some common myths and misconceptions about it. These include:

Polyamory is a glorified hall pass for infidelity

The success of polyamorous relationships hinges on partners being totally honest about their other partners. Integrity and communication are vital cornerstones of poly relationships, probably even more so than their monogamous counterparts. As such, it is erroneous to presume that polyamory is the hub of secrecy and clandestine external relationships.

That being said, cheating can still occur in polyamorous partnerships. This would look like not being completely open about one’s other partners or otherwise transgressing the precepts of the partnership.

Polyamorous relationships lack real intimacy

Having multiple partners would diminish some people’s capacity for intimacy; this couldn’t be farther from the truth for poly people.

They find that having numerous partners rejuvenates them and increases their ability to nurture the necessary intimacy, communication, and vulnerability with those they are in relationships with. And just imagine the effective distribution of physio-emotional-etc. needs!

Think of it like the different social stimulation levels introverts need versus extroverts.

Polyamorous people don’t get jealous

Polyamorous people are familiar with the green-eyed monster. Just because they signed onto a multi-partner arrangement doesn’t mean they aren't occasionally territorial.

Since ethical non-monogamy is a constant exercise in communication, it can be easier for poly couples to sail through the jealouseas.

Polyamorous people are just in it for the sex

Do some polyamorous people have lots of sex? Definitely, but for many, the focus of polyamory is to develop loving, intimate relationships.

Polyamorists are often automatically assumed to be swingers, possibly in every sense of the word. Yet, a significant distinction exists between the two.

Swingers have numerous sexual partners but aren’t keen on building romantic or emotional bonds with them.

Alternatively, poly people are invested in fostering romantic unions with their partners.

Polyamorists are anti-commitment

Commitment in polyamorous relationships looks slightly dissimilar to commitment in monogamous relationships. Poly couples may not take the typical relationship routes of cohabiting and getting married, what with the numerous parties involved, but this doesn’t prevent them from being devoted to their myriad mates.

In fact, there is a case to be made for polyamory requiring more dedication than monogamous partnerships due to the immense openness, flexibility, and vulnerability it demands.

Different Poly Configurations

This is just a sneak peek into the numerous types of polyamory out there. I’ll let the professionals fill out the list.

• Solo polyamory, where people date multiple people without having core unions. For the most part, they remain autonomous in their relational decision-making.

• Hierarchical polyamory denotes a situation where people have principal partnerships to which most of their energies go, then secondary and tertiary relationships that get less attention and time. The paramount partner has a more preeminent say over communal issues.

• Non-hierarchical polyamory defines unions where a hierarchy of partners doesn’t exist. Each partner enjoys similar amounts of time and attention and has an equal say over the group's critical life decisions.

• Polyfidelity is a group of 3 or more people who have a committed partnership exclusively with one another. They don’t fish outside their poly pond.

Directives

Like any relationship, poly ones are intricate and distinct in their unique ways. Each poly couple is responsible for setting its own rules of engagement. Usually, these guidelines are informed by the boundaries and preferences of those involved.

One crucial understanding people in poly relationships should come to revolves around safe sex.

While researching for one of the poly articles, I found it hilarious to discover that some experts advise non-monogamous people to keep planners to allocate equal time to each person in their poly circle. But alas, that’s what averts scheduling conflicts, so go right ahead, I guess.

Danke For Attending My Polytalk

This was not a prescriptive Kessentials. Broken record alert: Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but those who feel confined by the traditional makings of monogamy might find this information useful for more than just stirring the pot in their friend groups.

You must ensure your partner(s) know(s) you’d like to poly. This is the foundation of ethical non-monogamy. I’ve known people who were in open relationships peke yao, which remains a laughable contradiction in my mind.

(Btw, what do you think of emotional infidelity? 📩)

In their ideal form, open relationships don’t work if only one partner wants to “explore their options.” I hope I made that much clear if nothing else.

Na kama umeshindwa na ata mmoja, let’s meet back at the next Kessentials ju hii hai🐔husu.

7:0,

Kessentials.